Laraba

 This post was originally published on Achenyo's blog. She is a wonderful blogger, am actually a huge fan. To view her blog click HERE. This post actually relates to our UNHEALTHY MEN SERIES. ENJOY THIS HILARIOUS POST. Thank me later.


"Is it the guy that called you that day that his airtime finished that you're going to see?" Lucy asks me.

I'm concentrating so hard on putting my eye liner on my eyelids that I don't answer but make a sound in my throat that sounds like a yes. In the mirror I can see she smiles momentarily.

"Lara, you have changed o. Before I'll beg you to hang out with me, now, you're going on a date.”

I laugh. "Ha, Lulu, you know how it is na" I slip into my jeans; it looks like I've added some weight as I struggle to get it past my hips. "Popsie called me last night and said I should come to Lagos for prayers"

"Again?" Lucy rolls her eyes.



"Uh huh. Apparently, the pastor we prayed with turned out to be a fake. Don't ask me how." I reply, buttoning my shirt.

My parents are worried that I am not yet married and I don't have a social life. We are 5 girls in my family and I happen to be the first girl. Three of my sisters are married. My twin sister married 5 years ago, and the other two married three years ago.  The youngest is still in her early teens but she doesn’t count unless she wants to get married at 15. My parents feel there's some sort of curse on me because I’m not married yet. It shouldn't really bother me- I'm 29 and I figure I have five or six more years to go before I start to worry about being single but at this rate where we are always going for prayers, I need to find a man quickly and not just to get my parents off my case but to even enjoy some romance which I'm sad to say I haven't had ever- I promise you. I honestly, in my heart of hearts, don’t want to be single. So this year, I am determined to find a man. It is my personal project and I must make it work. Most of my friends have babies now and I want to have mine so I'm going on a date with Yinka. I met him at a conference two weeks ago and we have been chatting for quite some time now. He seems nice and boxed up with the kind of things he was saying that day and what he wore- it's just that... Oh well, I’ll say it.  Anytime we talk, his airtime gets exhausted and then he asks me to call him back and we usually spend more time talking on my time. Anyway, let's just leave that one. Let me go and see him today and we will see if he is the one.

"No wahala. Maybe this Yinka will be the one" She says consolingly.

"Abi o! He should be o"

"But the guy is fine abi?"

"Ah, he is o. he's tall and fine and his muscles or what I could see is spectacular" we both laugh.

“This OFAH project no be small thing o”

“Before? Operation Find a husband is launched and it’s smooth sailing all the way!”

"Amen o. Is he picking you up?"

"No, we agreed to meet at Silverbird. Babe, see you later. I go gist you" I pick up my bag and sashay out the door as she throws a pillow at me.

*****

So I'm waiting at the Chinese restaurant at Silverbird when I spot him. I've been waiting for close to 25 minutes. He hurriedly walks in, gives me a hug and then sits down.

"How are you? You look great!"

Wait...he didn't apologise for keeping me here?

"I'm good. I thought we were supposed to meet here for 7pm?" I ask sweetly.

"Oh, yeah. I had some things to take care of but hey..." He smiles widely. “Better late than never, right?"

Ok, let me just ignore that. He does look good and he smells really nice. I wonder what perfume he has on. I'm sure the evening will turn out well.

Yinka signals to a waiter who comes over and gives us the menu card. "What would you like to eat?" Yinka asks me without opening the card.

"Hmmmm, maybe I can start off with the prawn samosas and then some rice with the sweet and sour sauce and then some salad. I'll have water with lime please" I tell the waiter. I have been dying to try the sweet and sour sauce and here's my opportunity. Yinka suggested this restaurant and I must say I have eaten here only once and it was follow-follow I did. I don't have money to be eating out in this kind of place.

I look at Yinka expectantly and he opens his menu card. He makes a choking sound and then clears his throat. The waiter is waiting for him to make his order and I am wondering why he seems to be looking very closely at the menu. Then suddenly, he throws the card down the table and gets up. "Baby, let's go"
Excuse me? I'm confused, the waiter is confused.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"This place. It is so freaking expensive. I mean, your meal alone will cost 7,000.00. When I order, what will be the bill? Let's go, baby."

Ah ah! See me see wahala. Are you not the one that suggested this place? I think to myself. And why are you calling me baby? The waiter looks at me, then him, hisses and turns away. I'm as embarrassed as a cat will be when he’s caught taking a dump as I see the waiter telling his manager loudly what happened. There are other diners in the restaurant and they heard his outburst. Silently I gather my bag and shawl and get out of the place with him trailing behind me.

"Can you imagine? The waiter is so rude. Sorry baby"

"Please stop calling me baby" I tell him.

"Hey, hey, hey" He holds my shoulders and turns me around to face him. "What's wrong? Did I offend you?"
I think this guy has no brains o. What was I thinking- going on a date with him. I shake my head.

"Ok, so where do go? Let's do something fun" he says as he looks down at me.

Hmmm, perhaps we should watch a movie, that way he can shut up and I can forget I am with him on this date. "We can chill here but we can't do a movie. I hate movies; I like to talk" He says casually as we walk toward the stairs.

Oh oh, gotta throw that out the window. There's a milkshake and smoothie stand so I tell him, "Let's do a smoothie or something." He looks a bit upset that I cut short his dialogue about how he knew we had chemistry immediately we met and he knew he was going to marry me. We sit down and I order an oreo milkshake. He orders a vanilla shake.

“Yemisi, how na?” I ask the girl serving.

“Aunty, we dey o. Welcome”

“You know them?” Obviously, I almost say but I nod instead.

“Who brings you here?” He asks.

I just look at him and smile. Let me not answer a fool or else I become one.

"So what do you want from me?" He says while we wait for our drinks. He's staring into my eyes or rather the bridge of my nose and he holds my hand.

"Nothing yet.” I gently extricate my hand from his grip.

He's taken aback. "Nothing? Oh well, don't worry by the time this night is over, you'll be expecting some things" Our drinks come and he takes a sip. "This is nice. So I expect to get married in at most 6 months. I'm not one of those guys that waste time. What you see is what you get with me. I know I want to marry you. In fact, to be honest, baby...” He pauses for effect. “...I love you."

I'm rushing my shake so I can get out of here. What I see is what I get? A stingy man who just talks about himself all night? I know I want to get married but no, this cannot be it. Love? already? Na wa o.

"You are not saying anything. Did I surprise you?"

"Uh, no. I have heard what you said but I honestly don't think we are compatible"

"You think so"

"I know so"

"Why?"

"Just because."

"Because what?"

"Because, I don't have that chemistry with you"

"I can make you have it"

"I don't want to have it"

"I’m not worried because by the time you leave tonight, I'm sure you'll change your mind" and with that he launches into why girls can't get enough of him. When the bill arrives, he pauses in mid-speech. "What? What is happening to Silverbird? 2,700 naira for two small glasses of what? Milk and what? Can you believe this? I can make this at home and I won't spend this much" He gives me the bill to look at.

Ok, I am getting pissed. He suggested Silverbird and suggested the Chinese restaurant, yet he complained about the place. Now he's complaining about the price foe shakes? Is he alright?

"Do you want me to pay? It seems you didn't come out with money." I say.

"No, no. I got this" He whips out his wallet." You know, when you work for your money, you are careful.
Maybe next time we see, it can be at your house so we can cook our own food. You live alone ,don't you?"

Me and you again? NEVERED!

“No, I don't. I stay with folks" I lie.

"Ah, ah. Big girl like you? Why? You need your own place o"

I smile sweetly at him. "You want to get it for me?"

He looks up so quickly, I almost laugh. Look at the terror on his face. "Well, maybe but if we get married like in 3 or 4 months, what's the point?" he puts some money on the table. “Oh, do you have 200?  I don't have change and I don't want to give this people my money"

I don't have 200 but I pull out a 1000 naira note from my purse and give it to him. He actually collects it and gives the girl who served us. "Leave the change for them" I tell him as I jump down from my stool and get ready to leave. The girls are my friends and sometimes give me free shakes.

"No o. You should value money o. I have to collect it." He collects the change and, amazing, he puts it in his wallet. I'm so shocked, I can't speak. We just get down to the ground floor and out the gate. Apparently, he is not mobile. As we wait for a cab, he puts his hand around me. I edge out of his grasp and smile to take the sting off my action. I don't think the guy notices. "So, you want to come over to my place? I'm having a great time."

Eh? Come over for what?

 "What for?"

"A night cap or something"

"What beverages do you have at home?" I ask pleasantly.

"Beverages like what?" He's confused.

"Coffee, tea..."

"Oh, I don't have but I can buy from the mallam near my house"

And he wants a nightcap. I shake my head no and stop the next taxi. He speaks to the cab guy and I give him my address. We both get in. I see he's trying to be cozy but it cannot work- I’m not that desperate. I can't wait to get home o! I find out that the taxi is dropping him off first before me. I don't even argue. As we get to his house, he asks again, “Are you sure you don't want to come in?" As he gets down, I tell him I'm sure.

"Oh well, thank you for today. It was great. I'll call you" And he turns to go.

"Wait..." he turns back smiling expectantly.”Did you pay for the cab?"

"Oh, I'm sorry I forgot." he whips out his wallet again. “Oga, your money is 1,200 abi? Ok, Here's 2,000."

He gives the driver the money and waits for his change. I tell the driver to give him 100 naira. Yinka is like, why? I'm like, “you owe me 700 for my change at the smoothie place.”

 "Oh...I didn't give you?"

No, you didn't. Liar.

"Sorry, ok, Oga, give me 100 naira"

Seriously, he waits and takes his 100 naira. As the taxi zooms off, I don't even look back. I just want to get home, warm the rice and stew I made this morning and eat. The taxi driver tells me that Yinka initially told him that I would pay for the fare. Imagine!

As I get closer to home, he's sending me mtn call me back messages. I will never call this Yinka again. Ever! I get home and go straight to the kitchen, microwave my food and launch into it as I walk into my room. Lucy is waiting for me and immediately she sees my face, she bursts into laughter.

"Terrible?"

"Disaster," I reply.

"No wonder hunger dey beat you"

As I gist Lucy my ordeal, her peals of laughter can be heard in the neighbourhood.

My phone is ringing and it's Yinka. I pick. "Baby, please call me back" and he cuts the line.

I'll call you when snow falls in Abuja.

My first OFAH project didn’t turn out well.